Divorce & Remarriage: An Illustration of God's High View of Marriage
An associate pastor at the church I attend was troubled by an issue facing him, what if some of the young adults in the church who he ministered to asked him to perform their marriage ceremony, and one of them was previously married and divorced? How should he respond and would his response be Biblically based and with the right compassion to understand and respond to the couples situation?
This concern from his conscience started him on a path of study. He researched the issue and presented his findings from scripture to the senior pastor and elders for discussion. I asked for a copy of the position paper the church had adopted, going over this document was very difficult because long held beliefs of mine were being challenged, but even more so my sense of caring and compassion for others was being assaulted. Could God really limit marriage so severely? If yes, why was the standard so high? I have to admit I want people to be free to remarry after divorce, I want people to be happy, but if the Bible teaches otherwise I need to follow it, not my own feelings. And maybe my compassion actually falls short of how compassionate God is; a compassion and love for people that seeks their best even in the midst of restricting marriage after divorce. Today my understanding is much different than six months ago primarily because of my recognition of how God describes his relationship to his people: God the Husband and Israel His Wife; Jesus Christ the Bridegroom and the Church His Bride. God uses the institution of marriage to describe His relationship to us! What a beautiful picture of Unity and Intimacy! Maybe He wants us to have the same intimacy in our marriages that we can have with the Creator of the Universe and divorce greatly harms this unity.
If we approach this topic lightly and become indignant or self-righteous it could cause pain to others but if our understanding is illuminated by the Holy Spirit what we learn may deepen our faith. This is a pursuit of something more than knowledge; a pursuit which I think should teach us to have even more love and sympathy for those harmed by divorce. A path to understanding which could help us to encourage divorced people and help them to receive true peace from God. I hope this discussion increases love, compassion and sympathy; it should not create in either of us a sense of self-righteousness or criticism.
I believe God wants an intimate and deep relationship with us, one built on our trust in Him and His forgiveness and cleansing of our sin. God has chosen to use the symbol of marriage to demonstrate the unity He desires with us and how He will come to us even knowing our prior sin. His grace covers our prior idolatry (sinful relationship with the world) and in marriage to Him (that is salvation) He cleanses and purifies us. Our lack of love which leads to divorce ruins what He is trying to teach.
Why even bother with researching and understanding this issue? Let us hear the conclusion: God loves each of us and wants an intimate relationship. It is His best wish for us to come to Him clean and pure, and yet if we don’t He still betroths and marries us because of His great Love and Mercy. He then works through our lives to keep or make us pure so when we get to Heaven we are a pure and ready Bride. God has always intended human marriage to reflect this truth. Divorce because of our hard hearts ruins His symbol. Unfortunately people look to us to see God, if we do marriage well they will see God well but if we treat this so lightly as to readily consider and go through with a divorce then they may think God is as fickle and will cast us off too.
It all started with the following paper: As you consider what is presented in this article and the attached paper consider God and how He loves us. In loving us He wants what is best, which with respect to marriage is obviously to marry once and once only and to have a great marriage. A marriage where there is true emotional, spiritual, physical and intellectual unity where both spouses are a help to the other and build the other up.
This concern from his conscience started him on a path of study. He researched the issue and presented his findings from scripture to the senior pastor and elders for discussion. I asked for a copy of the position paper the church had adopted, going over this document was very difficult because long held beliefs of mine were being challenged, but even more so my sense of caring and compassion for others was being assaulted. Could God really limit marriage so severely? If yes, why was the standard so high? I have to admit I want people to be free to remarry after divorce, I want people to be happy, but if the Bible teaches otherwise I need to follow it, not my own feelings. And maybe my compassion actually falls short of how compassionate God is; a compassion and love for people that seeks their best even in the midst of restricting marriage after divorce. Today my understanding is much different than six months ago primarily because of my recognition of how God describes his relationship to his people: God the Husband and Israel His Wife; Jesus Christ the Bridegroom and the Church His Bride. God uses the institution of marriage to describe His relationship to us! What a beautiful picture of Unity and Intimacy! Maybe He wants us to have the same intimacy in our marriages that we can have with the Creator of the Universe and divorce greatly harms this unity.
If we approach this topic lightly and become indignant or self-righteous it could cause pain to others but if our understanding is illuminated by the Holy Spirit what we learn may deepen our faith. This is a pursuit of something more than knowledge; a pursuit which I think should teach us to have even more love and sympathy for those harmed by divorce. A path to understanding which could help us to encourage divorced people and help them to receive true peace from God. I hope this discussion increases love, compassion and sympathy; it should not create in either of us a sense of self-righteousness or criticism.
I believe God wants an intimate and deep relationship with us, one built on our trust in Him and His forgiveness and cleansing of our sin. God has chosen to use the symbol of marriage to demonstrate the unity He desires with us and how He will come to us even knowing our prior sin. His grace covers our prior idolatry (sinful relationship with the world) and in marriage to Him (that is salvation) He cleanses and purifies us. Our lack of love which leads to divorce ruins what He is trying to teach.
Why even bother with researching and understanding this issue? Let us hear the conclusion: God loves each of us and wants an intimate relationship. It is His best wish for us to come to Him clean and pure, and yet if we don’t He still betroths and marries us because of His great Love and Mercy. He then works through our lives to keep or make us pure so when we get to Heaven we are a pure and ready Bride. God has always intended human marriage to reflect this truth. Divorce because of our hard hearts ruins His symbol. Unfortunately people look to us to see God, if we do marriage well they will see God well but if we treat this so lightly as to readily consider and go through with a divorce then they may think God is as fickle and will cast us off too.
It all started with the following paper: As you consider what is presented in this article and the attached paper consider God and how He loves us. In loving us He wants what is best, which with respect to marriage is obviously to marry once and once only and to have a great marriage. A marriage where there is true emotional, spiritual, physical and intellectual unity where both spouses are a help to the other and build the other up.
| position_paper_-_divorce__remarriage.doc |
The following discussion will mean a lot more if you have read the above position paper as it lays out the doctrinal foundation and loving attitude toward others. This is not a study to be taken casually, God’s use of this symbol too profound and the encouragement or harm we can do to others with this information too significant. God’s grace to me was extended in this process as I had a mindset like the Bereans; ready to receive teaching with an open mind and challenge it with scripture. My own perspective was challenged by this simple question:
Does God ever allow divorce and remarriage and if so what are the circumstances under an acceptable remarriage? What is the position which most reflects the heart of a loving God?
To put this in context I need to explain how this impacts me personally and go back to my college days and one of my roommates as well as talk about a family very close to me. My college roommate started dating a gal, a sweet Christian lady he met at church but who was recently divorced. She was married a short period of time to a man who committed adultery and then sought to divorce his wife. In the divorce she consented but only if the cause for the divorce was listed as adultery. I had to wrestle with this and came to the conclusion with teaching from others that this was the only case God would allow remarriage. The husband did not claim to be a Christian and had committed adultery and the wife was innocent. Fast forward twenty years and another family my own family is close to. A couple with four children, but a couple who came together after the wife was devastated by her first husband who cheated on her after only a few months of marriage. She and her current husband are great people who are raising very godly and loving kids. Could I possibly look these friends in the face and say they may be living in sin? I don’t want that, I want them to continue in peace. And I want others to be able to experience the joy they have and to experience the blessing of raising children. But now my associate pastor is contending that this view of mine may be wrong. Praise God for a willingness to listen to my pastor and then decide after studying the church’s position and scripture which of us was right and for God to reveal a depth of care and love I hadn’t realized before.
Let me summarize below the interpretation of my associate pastor which challenged my own perspective:
1. In Luke 16:18 it states that all remarriage after divorce is adultery.
2. In Mark 10:11-12 it states that all remarriage after divorce is adultery adding that it doesn’t matter if it is the husband or wife who initiates the divorce.
3. In Mark 10:2-9 Jesus rejected the Pharisee’s justification of divorce found in Deuteronomy 24:1.
4. Matthew 5:32 does not teach that remarriage is lawful in some cases.
5. 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 teaches that divorce is wrong but that if it is inevitable the Christian who divorces should remain unmarried.
6. Matthew 19:10-12 teaches that special grace is given to the Christian when they renounce remarriage and choose to remain single.
7. Deuteronomy 24:1-4 teaches about the bond of ‘one-flesh’ and does not legislate grounds for divorce.
8. 1 Corinthians 7:15 does not mean that when a Christian is deserted by an unbelieving spouse he or she is free to remarry.
9. 1 Corinthians 7:27-28 does not teach the right of divorced persons to remarry.
10. The exception clause of Matthew 19:9 need not imply that divorce on account of adultery frees a person to be remarried.
What I considered an exception clause in Matthew 19:9 is what I had based my own views on when considering my roommates desire to marry and that view of mine was now being beaten upon by logic, but did the logic rest upon scripture and sound interpretation?
As I read through the position paper of my church I found myself agreeing with nearly all of the points except for a few. These few points made me dig deeper into God’s Word to see which view was true, mine or my pastors. I have to admit that at first the outcome of Point 4 above was weird, and that was a problem. Does God really prohibit an innocent party from remarrying? Ever? Is a believer condemned for remarrying? It seems to me God prohibits remarriage in all cases but there is “no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” according to Romans 8 and therefore I can’t condemn anyone in this state but maybe God is showing His compassion by teaching us to avoid the situation in the first place. And so I wondered if there was a way to tie this prohibition to remarry into Mt 19 to better understand the whole. Likewise for Point 7 which follows generally accepted interpretation but I began to see this as parallel to Mt 19 dealing with betrothal and not post wedding day divorce. In order for you to follow my thinking we are going to look back at Deuteronomy and then examine Matthew 5:32. Open your own Bible and pray for understanding so you can decide for yourself.
It seems that Deuteronomy 24:1-4 is dealing with betrothal (engagement) and the discovery of fornication as late as the wedding and perhaps as late as the consummation of the marriage but not adultery found at a date much later than the wedding.
Deuteronomy 24:1-4 “When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give [it] in her hand, and send her out of his house. And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man's [wife]. And [if] the latter husband hate her, and write her a bill of divorcement, and giveth [it] in her hand, and sendeth her out of his house; or if the latter husband die, which took her [to be] his wife; Her former husband, which sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after that she is defiled; for that [is] abomination before the LORD: and thou shalt not cause the land to sin, which the LORD thy God giveth thee [for] an inheritance.”
Taken in the context of ancient Israel and the standard of arranged marriages and the significance of betrothal it would make sense to allow a divorce (breaking of the betrothal) in these cases. Remember that a man would negotiate a price for the woman he wanted to marry and that price was dependent on her and her status. After completing the arrangement with the girl’s father the man would go and build a house for the two of them and then return to get his Bride and the wedding would take place. In the case of the man either having negotiated the dowry himself or under his father’s guidance and discovering the woman was not pure and therefore not worthy of the dowry is able to break the agreement. This implies her impurity was hidden and only discovered after the wedding ceremony. But being able to break the marriage for the discovery of impurity is not the same as being mandated to do so and thus in allowing this type of action Moses was not encouraging divorce and Christ was making it clear the lesser man (one not full of grace, mercy and love) would take this road to divorce. It would be strange that the woman is allowed to find another spouse if adultery after the wedding was the case here for adultery was punishable by death of both the man and woman (Leviticus 20:10). It must be that marriage is held in high esteem by God and having entered into a second betrothal/marriage could never return to an earlier relationship even if released from the second by the death of her husband. Was this allowance to be betrothed (engaged) a second time an attempt at keeping the Israelites from marrying foreigners (non-Jews who did not worship God)? I think yes, it was meant to preserve the purity of the nation. The allowance for a second betrothal/marriage surely cannot be considering adultery for according to Leviticus 20:10 that carried the penalty of death.
I know this is difficult to follow but at this point in time confusion had set in for me, I asked these questions: Scripture states she was in the husband’s house and that she was defiled after the second marriage; does this simply mean that while in the second husband’s house she and he were clean but leaving the house by divorce caused the uncleanness? I answered myself thinking it must be this or something close because the issue here is primarily about purity before marriage, the second man she was betrothed to surely would have known of her impure state and decides to marry her anyway. Does this teach that a breaking of the betrothal contract (divorce) once is okay but her second betrothal causes her to be defiled irreparably by her fornication? Is she now practically unmarriable and also suffering the consequence of her own prior sexual activity? So divorce is not mandated but allowed if the husband could not extend grace to view her favorably. Notice how the first husband found no favor but the second hated her, there is a difference here. Our choosing a second husband is always inferior to our first Husband (Christ). In the midst of such a great forgiveness as demonstrated by God there are still consequences to our actions.
If this whole issue of marriage is about our relationship to God then consider this; doesn't the Father extend us such unmerited favor in that He knows our blemished state and yet so lovingly marries his chosen bride despite our prior idolatry and impurity.
Isaiah 62:5 "For as a young man marrieth a virgin , so shall thy sons marry thee: and as the bridegroom rejoiceth over the bride , so shall thy God rejoice over thee."
Now comes some clarity; I believe this view of the divorce being acceptable in Deuteronomy for impurity being discovered is reinforced by the Hebrew word for 'uncleanness' which is overwhelmingly translated as nakedness in the OT. Could it be her immorality was only discovered upon being intimately revealed to her newly wedded husband? Look here at the Stong’s Concordance definition of the Hebrew word ‘Erwa’ which is translated as uncleanness in Deuteronomy:
Strong’s Number h6172. ערוה ‘erwâ; from 6168 ; nudity, literally (especially the pudenda) or figuratively (disgrace, blemish): — nakedness, shame, unclean(-ness). AV (54) - nakedness 50, nakedness + h1320 1, shame 1, unclean 1, uncleanness 1; I.nakedness, nudity, shame, pudenda A.pudenda (implying shameful exposure) B.nakedness of a thing, indecency, improper behaviour C.exposed, undefended (fig.)
It seems to me that if Deuteronomy 24:1-4 is talking of betrothal then it is perfectly unified with Matthew 19:9. Betrothals can be broken by finding sexual immorality in the betrothed spouse and not for any other reason. There may only be one innocent party here, the one who was deceived prior to marriage. So if a man or woman claims to be a virgin and is betrothed (what we loosely call engaged) to someone, the person who was deceived is free to break off the betrothal. I interpret this to mean the hiding of the prior sexual activity was only discovered upon intimate sexual contact. Such a deception by one person to their spouse would surely lead to doubts about other things as well; doubts which can be conquered by Christ.
I am settling on Deuteronomy as all about betrothal and not consummated marriage for the latter was dealt with by more severe consequences. As we mentioned the punishment for adultery (sex with someone other than your spouse) was death. Here we need to remember how God chooses to describe His relationship to us. The symbol of the relationship of the Father to Israel is one of consummated marriage, for Israel is called His wife and He speaks of her adultery in Hosea. The relationship of Christ to the Church is described by the betrothal relationship, Christ the Bridegroom and us the Bride. These symbols being keenly on Gods mind in Deuteronomy and Leviticus now brings unity to our understanding of marriage and divorce. We are to by God’s ministers on earth, if we go about destroying marriages and remarrying to only divorce again this destroys how we represent God’s faithfulness to us.
A man cannot divorce his spouse because God cannot and will not act against His character and His promises to do this to us. Sexual immorality prior to betrothal is forgivable, but upon betrothal (marriage) anything which attempts to break this bond is found to be adultery much like Israel playing the harlot with other gods. But God’s grace is greater, if we commit spiritual adultery and yet are not executed for such (except in extreme cases of apostasy) than we must extend this grace and love to others. Christ’s greatest desire is to present you spotless as His Bride to the Father and yet we work hard to mess this up.
Ephesians 5:27-32 "That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: 30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. 31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. 32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church."
Keeping the purpose of Christ in mind is to present His bride spotless and perfect it is no less the husbands duty for his physical bride. In Matthew 5:32 it is the responsibility of the husband to rightly decide the course of action fully understanding the outcomes. If he decides to divorce his betrothed for anything less than her sexual immorality he then has caused her adultery for she has little to no choice in marriage although it may be possible even then for her to remain single. Likewise the second man knowing what has happened commits adultery by his choice to proceed. The first man likewise needs to know he cannot divorce and remarry unless his innocence is complete and he was deceived. This is indeed grave. The man bears the responsibility in the same fashion Adam was held accountable for the sin and not Eve. But in the midst of this responsibility of the man, he has the opportunity to demonstrate forgiveness, mercy and love. By extending mercy to his betrothed wife and forgiving her prior sexual activity the husband has modeled the very thing God did for us at the cross by the death and resurrection of His Son for us. Perhaps no other issue or doctrine in the Bible carries with it such weight.
So what you ask? Let us hear the conclusion: God loves each of us and wants an intimate relationship. It is His best wish for us to come to Him clean and pure, and yet if we don’t He still betroths and marries us because of His great Love and Mercy. He then works through our lives to keep or make us pure so when we get to Heaven we are a pure and ready Bride. God has always intended human marriage to reflect this truth. Divorce because of our hard hearts ruins His symbol. Unfortunately people look to us to see God, if we do marriage well they will see God well but if we treat this so lightly as to readily consider and go through with a divorce then they may think God is as fickle and will cast us off too.
God wants your best! Even living now in sin He can and will forgive, 1 John 1:9 makes that perfectly clear. So take the advice of Paul and remain in the state you are now in, don’t make things worse and don’t judge others, they are forgiven just like you are for your sins.
So what about my friends I told you about? I rejoice they have found good spouses and are raising good kids that love God. I am so thankful that God accepts them into relationship with Him and forgives them just as He forgave all of my sins. I enjoy spending time with these families and learning from them. My desire is simply to help people who are not yet married to carefully follow God and find a good spouse and for those intensely hurt by divorce to find refuge in God’s arms.
Does God ever allow divorce and remarriage and if so what are the circumstances under an acceptable remarriage? What is the position which most reflects the heart of a loving God?
To put this in context I need to explain how this impacts me personally and go back to my college days and one of my roommates as well as talk about a family very close to me. My college roommate started dating a gal, a sweet Christian lady he met at church but who was recently divorced. She was married a short period of time to a man who committed adultery and then sought to divorce his wife. In the divorce she consented but only if the cause for the divorce was listed as adultery. I had to wrestle with this and came to the conclusion with teaching from others that this was the only case God would allow remarriage. The husband did not claim to be a Christian and had committed adultery and the wife was innocent. Fast forward twenty years and another family my own family is close to. A couple with four children, but a couple who came together after the wife was devastated by her first husband who cheated on her after only a few months of marriage. She and her current husband are great people who are raising very godly and loving kids. Could I possibly look these friends in the face and say they may be living in sin? I don’t want that, I want them to continue in peace. And I want others to be able to experience the joy they have and to experience the blessing of raising children. But now my associate pastor is contending that this view of mine may be wrong. Praise God for a willingness to listen to my pastor and then decide after studying the church’s position and scripture which of us was right and for God to reveal a depth of care and love I hadn’t realized before.
Let me summarize below the interpretation of my associate pastor which challenged my own perspective:
1. In Luke 16:18 it states that all remarriage after divorce is adultery.
2. In Mark 10:11-12 it states that all remarriage after divorce is adultery adding that it doesn’t matter if it is the husband or wife who initiates the divorce.
3. In Mark 10:2-9 Jesus rejected the Pharisee’s justification of divorce found in Deuteronomy 24:1.
4. Matthew 5:32 does not teach that remarriage is lawful in some cases.
5. 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 teaches that divorce is wrong but that if it is inevitable the Christian who divorces should remain unmarried.
6. Matthew 19:10-12 teaches that special grace is given to the Christian when they renounce remarriage and choose to remain single.
7. Deuteronomy 24:1-4 teaches about the bond of ‘one-flesh’ and does not legislate grounds for divorce.
8. 1 Corinthians 7:15 does not mean that when a Christian is deserted by an unbelieving spouse he or she is free to remarry.
9. 1 Corinthians 7:27-28 does not teach the right of divorced persons to remarry.
10. The exception clause of Matthew 19:9 need not imply that divorce on account of adultery frees a person to be remarried.
What I considered an exception clause in Matthew 19:9 is what I had based my own views on when considering my roommates desire to marry and that view of mine was now being beaten upon by logic, but did the logic rest upon scripture and sound interpretation?
As I read through the position paper of my church I found myself agreeing with nearly all of the points except for a few. These few points made me dig deeper into God’s Word to see which view was true, mine or my pastors. I have to admit that at first the outcome of Point 4 above was weird, and that was a problem. Does God really prohibit an innocent party from remarrying? Ever? Is a believer condemned for remarrying? It seems to me God prohibits remarriage in all cases but there is “no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” according to Romans 8 and therefore I can’t condemn anyone in this state but maybe God is showing His compassion by teaching us to avoid the situation in the first place. And so I wondered if there was a way to tie this prohibition to remarry into Mt 19 to better understand the whole. Likewise for Point 7 which follows generally accepted interpretation but I began to see this as parallel to Mt 19 dealing with betrothal and not post wedding day divorce. In order for you to follow my thinking we are going to look back at Deuteronomy and then examine Matthew 5:32. Open your own Bible and pray for understanding so you can decide for yourself.
It seems that Deuteronomy 24:1-4 is dealing with betrothal (engagement) and the discovery of fornication as late as the wedding and perhaps as late as the consummation of the marriage but not adultery found at a date much later than the wedding.
Deuteronomy 24:1-4 “When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give [it] in her hand, and send her out of his house. And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man's [wife]. And [if] the latter husband hate her, and write her a bill of divorcement, and giveth [it] in her hand, and sendeth her out of his house; or if the latter husband die, which took her [to be] his wife; Her former husband, which sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after that she is defiled; for that [is] abomination before the LORD: and thou shalt not cause the land to sin, which the LORD thy God giveth thee [for] an inheritance.”
Taken in the context of ancient Israel and the standard of arranged marriages and the significance of betrothal it would make sense to allow a divorce (breaking of the betrothal) in these cases. Remember that a man would negotiate a price for the woman he wanted to marry and that price was dependent on her and her status. After completing the arrangement with the girl’s father the man would go and build a house for the two of them and then return to get his Bride and the wedding would take place. In the case of the man either having negotiated the dowry himself or under his father’s guidance and discovering the woman was not pure and therefore not worthy of the dowry is able to break the agreement. This implies her impurity was hidden and only discovered after the wedding ceremony. But being able to break the marriage for the discovery of impurity is not the same as being mandated to do so and thus in allowing this type of action Moses was not encouraging divorce and Christ was making it clear the lesser man (one not full of grace, mercy and love) would take this road to divorce. It would be strange that the woman is allowed to find another spouse if adultery after the wedding was the case here for adultery was punishable by death of both the man and woman (Leviticus 20:10). It must be that marriage is held in high esteem by God and having entered into a second betrothal/marriage could never return to an earlier relationship even if released from the second by the death of her husband. Was this allowance to be betrothed (engaged) a second time an attempt at keeping the Israelites from marrying foreigners (non-Jews who did not worship God)? I think yes, it was meant to preserve the purity of the nation. The allowance for a second betrothal/marriage surely cannot be considering adultery for according to Leviticus 20:10 that carried the penalty of death.
I know this is difficult to follow but at this point in time confusion had set in for me, I asked these questions: Scripture states she was in the husband’s house and that she was defiled after the second marriage; does this simply mean that while in the second husband’s house she and he were clean but leaving the house by divorce caused the uncleanness? I answered myself thinking it must be this or something close because the issue here is primarily about purity before marriage, the second man she was betrothed to surely would have known of her impure state and decides to marry her anyway. Does this teach that a breaking of the betrothal contract (divorce) once is okay but her second betrothal causes her to be defiled irreparably by her fornication? Is she now practically unmarriable and also suffering the consequence of her own prior sexual activity? So divorce is not mandated but allowed if the husband could not extend grace to view her favorably. Notice how the first husband found no favor but the second hated her, there is a difference here. Our choosing a second husband is always inferior to our first Husband (Christ). In the midst of such a great forgiveness as demonstrated by God there are still consequences to our actions.
If this whole issue of marriage is about our relationship to God then consider this; doesn't the Father extend us such unmerited favor in that He knows our blemished state and yet so lovingly marries his chosen bride despite our prior idolatry and impurity.
Isaiah 62:5 "For as a young man marrieth a virgin , so shall thy sons marry thee: and as the bridegroom rejoiceth over the bride , so shall thy God rejoice over thee."
Now comes some clarity; I believe this view of the divorce being acceptable in Deuteronomy for impurity being discovered is reinforced by the Hebrew word for 'uncleanness' which is overwhelmingly translated as nakedness in the OT. Could it be her immorality was only discovered upon being intimately revealed to her newly wedded husband? Look here at the Stong’s Concordance definition of the Hebrew word ‘Erwa’ which is translated as uncleanness in Deuteronomy:
Strong’s Number h6172. ערוה ‘erwâ; from 6168 ; nudity, literally (especially the pudenda) or figuratively (disgrace, blemish): — nakedness, shame, unclean(-ness). AV (54) - nakedness 50, nakedness + h1320 1, shame 1, unclean 1, uncleanness 1; I.nakedness, nudity, shame, pudenda A.pudenda (implying shameful exposure) B.nakedness of a thing, indecency, improper behaviour C.exposed, undefended (fig.)
It seems to me that if Deuteronomy 24:1-4 is talking of betrothal then it is perfectly unified with Matthew 19:9. Betrothals can be broken by finding sexual immorality in the betrothed spouse and not for any other reason. There may only be one innocent party here, the one who was deceived prior to marriage. So if a man or woman claims to be a virgin and is betrothed (what we loosely call engaged) to someone, the person who was deceived is free to break off the betrothal. I interpret this to mean the hiding of the prior sexual activity was only discovered upon intimate sexual contact. Such a deception by one person to their spouse would surely lead to doubts about other things as well; doubts which can be conquered by Christ.
I am settling on Deuteronomy as all about betrothal and not consummated marriage for the latter was dealt with by more severe consequences. As we mentioned the punishment for adultery (sex with someone other than your spouse) was death. Here we need to remember how God chooses to describe His relationship to us. The symbol of the relationship of the Father to Israel is one of consummated marriage, for Israel is called His wife and He speaks of her adultery in Hosea. The relationship of Christ to the Church is described by the betrothal relationship, Christ the Bridegroom and us the Bride. These symbols being keenly on Gods mind in Deuteronomy and Leviticus now brings unity to our understanding of marriage and divorce. We are to by God’s ministers on earth, if we go about destroying marriages and remarrying to only divorce again this destroys how we represent God’s faithfulness to us.
A man cannot divorce his spouse because God cannot and will not act against His character and His promises to do this to us. Sexual immorality prior to betrothal is forgivable, but upon betrothal (marriage) anything which attempts to break this bond is found to be adultery much like Israel playing the harlot with other gods. But God’s grace is greater, if we commit spiritual adultery and yet are not executed for such (except in extreme cases of apostasy) than we must extend this grace and love to others. Christ’s greatest desire is to present you spotless as His Bride to the Father and yet we work hard to mess this up.
Ephesians 5:27-32 "That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: 30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. 31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. 32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church."
Keeping the purpose of Christ in mind is to present His bride spotless and perfect it is no less the husbands duty for his physical bride. In Matthew 5:32 it is the responsibility of the husband to rightly decide the course of action fully understanding the outcomes. If he decides to divorce his betrothed for anything less than her sexual immorality he then has caused her adultery for she has little to no choice in marriage although it may be possible even then for her to remain single. Likewise the second man knowing what has happened commits adultery by his choice to proceed. The first man likewise needs to know he cannot divorce and remarry unless his innocence is complete and he was deceived. This is indeed grave. The man bears the responsibility in the same fashion Adam was held accountable for the sin and not Eve. But in the midst of this responsibility of the man, he has the opportunity to demonstrate forgiveness, mercy and love. By extending mercy to his betrothed wife and forgiving her prior sexual activity the husband has modeled the very thing God did for us at the cross by the death and resurrection of His Son for us. Perhaps no other issue or doctrine in the Bible carries with it such weight.
So what you ask? Let us hear the conclusion: God loves each of us and wants an intimate relationship. It is His best wish for us to come to Him clean and pure, and yet if we don’t He still betroths and marries us because of His great Love and Mercy. He then works through our lives to keep or make us pure so when we get to Heaven we are a pure and ready Bride. God has always intended human marriage to reflect this truth. Divorce because of our hard hearts ruins His symbol. Unfortunately people look to us to see God, if we do marriage well they will see God well but if we treat this so lightly as to readily consider and go through with a divorce then they may think God is as fickle and will cast us off too.
God wants your best! Even living now in sin He can and will forgive, 1 John 1:9 makes that perfectly clear. So take the advice of Paul and remain in the state you are now in, don’t make things worse and don’t judge others, they are forgiven just like you are for your sins.
So what about my friends I told you about? I rejoice they have found good spouses and are raising good kids that love God. I am so thankful that God accepts them into relationship with Him and forgives them just as He forgave all of my sins. I enjoy spending time with these families and learning from them. My desire is simply to help people who are not yet married to carefully follow God and find a good spouse and for those intensely hurt by divorce to find refuge in God’s arms.
Posted October 10, 2012
